02 February 2016

2015: In Memoriam

The year 2015 was full of sorrow and loss for many people, both for strangers abroad and those more closely related to my life. One year ago today, my aunt passed away and since then my FB feed seems to be filled with one story of farewell followed by another. There have been many joys as well, but this poem is dedicated to those who experienced hardship and loss in one form or another.

2015: In Memoriam

A singular, titular breath
From small bellows unleashed once
The pleading song of desperate life;
Then eery echoes slowly fade,
Softly dying into dismay.

What quenched spark of light
Can be forgot
In the dead of night?

Life long beset by constant pain—
Psychical, monumental—
Seeking stillness in bitter draughts
As drowned memory numbs the ache,
Forever, never to awake.

What bourn life may bear
The stings of loss
Piercing past despair?

A gnarled tree with roots dug deep
Stood against the raging tides,
’Til inevitability
Levels a man thrice father—
Even the strongest oak shall fall.

What peace may be found
In last farewells
To a soul unbound?

What beauty of life can resound
As we gather round
Our dearly departed,
Entering territory unchartered,
Our smiles half-hearted
Having lost a part of our story?

What solace revives
A hope (a lie?),
But that “life survives”?

23 July 2011

A-Waking Dawn

Night now thunders the lost dawn's wake.
The skies resist the light's embrace
As sapphire clouds of troubled times
Climb silver curtains of dew enshrined.

They face the sunlight in the air,
Fight to shatter beams whose arms ensnare.
The shrouds release the film of self
And so their form begins to melt.

In solemn tears that kiss the land
The dark retreats, his shield disbands.
The spears of light pierce far and wide
In jagged beams that pierce his side.

Thus he falls to terror's rise.
The day declares his swift demise,
And in the shadow's last embrace
Dawn now thunders the long night's wake.

23 May 2011

The Fragility of Life: In Memoriam

Writer's Note: This is not a story or an exposition or grand revelation, merely an attempt to capture a piece of a fleeting feeling in written text.

"Ah, but we die to each other daily.
What we know of other people
Is only our memory of the moments
During which we knew them. And they have changed since then.
To pretend that they and we are the same
Is a useful and convenient social convention
Which must sometimes be broken. We must also remember
That at every meeting we are meeting a stranger."
- Cocktail Party

The above quote is one of my favorite quotes describing the transiency of friendships, character, and life, but it ends with the assumption that though our friends may change, we will meet them again. Today I contemplated the ideas between the lines, of what happens if we never see a person again because death's hand reached forth and drew them into the grave. If as this quote says, that person has already died to you with their physical absence, then those last memories are what linger.

How strange and alien to think that a person lives on within the memories of those people who knew them, everyone carrying a different part and understanding of that person, both friends and enemies. Every person tells a tale of rival, lover, sister, brother… friend when all other hope has left. Never will one of those pictures fully tell that story or bring that person to life as a complete entity, but still they live on as ghosts, floating and flickering around in heads and memories spread across the country and the world, mere whispers. But sometimes those whispers are so strong you almost feel as if they never died, could not have died, and might walk through the doors again. Suddenly regret, loss, guilt, vanish beneath an illogical anticipation of foundless hope that nevertheless persists.

But that feeling fades as the stronger, more recent memory of their death encroaches back upon your waking mind, and the ghost retreats again to the shadows. With the passing returns the pain of loss and separation that had briefly dimmed in the light of the past, to once again cling at the edges of your mind and heart. With time, even that pain will fade, but whenever memory blooms and that ghost returns, so shall the hurt return like an unwanted guest, staying until you can will the numbness to cast it away back to the shadows from whence it came.

13 April 2011

These Words for You

I want to have a treasure hunt for words we'll never say
Collect them in a candy jar and tuck them all away
I'll keep them safe and scribbled on the pages never read
And when you're most in need of love I'll whisper them instead

Don't worry if you lose the words that vanish on the breeze
Though voice may die and sound may fade the heart will never leave
When seasons change and all turns white as our old tired heads
I'll hold your hand to summer thoughts no matter where we tread

And when we've sailed a thousand tides and come around again
Those words we found will mean as much as when we first began
Though they may just be specks of ink kept hidden on a shelf
They are the thoughts I never could conceal all for myself

But for now these words are all I have and thus they'll have to do
I've no need to write what you've already known, so darling, "__________."

04 November 2010

Anctious

In foolish words I find myself where I never thought I'd be
Thrown into an imagined world burst forth to startle me
Awash in strange emotions I can't begin to comprehend
But if this be but just a dream may I never wake again

22 August 2010

Identities

In borrowed visage on the stage,
All see my flargrant disguise
But concealed behind the everyman
None see my 'Mr. Hyde'

I lost myself in search to find
Something else to hide behind
And now I find I'm trapped inside
This labyrinthine mind

I've tried the truth a thousand times
And come back to pretend
Though Kierkegaard may prove me wrong
These lies I will defend.

All my words are memories,
Once spoken, already past,
And every word I'll ever speak
Ozymandias will outlast

You think I've taken off the mask
I wear equivocally,
But I've found a face you've never seen
And now that mask is me.

The Dead

'The Dead!' he proclaims in painted lines
Of twisted narrative and coarse designs
And shoves opinions of reflective glass
Up the world's ubiquitous snobbish ass.

Theories of cyclical historical rounds
And withered morals--recycled--abounds
In ashen hearts picturing sullen rifts
Across accumulated ivory drifts.

The obsession with anguish of the past
Dulls the reader like a drunken repast,
'Til left like malignant melanoma,
The reader, 'dead', in self-induced coma.

This image cherish, and students rejoice,
For thus too, perished, the beloved Joyce.

29 July 2010

I Wish You Could See What I See

Once I saw a blind man who wandered to the sea.
He climbed mountains, he crossed deserts,
He walked where none could see.

Days he spent in solitude, nights he spent alone,
Stars could never be his guide
To lead him safely home.

Strange things happened in his wake, wherever he would dwell,
Strange things men are loathe to say,
Once they bid the man farewell.

I came upon his path one day,
Or perhaps he came to me,
One autumn-shaded evening,
As we gazed upon the sea.

He turned to me and held my gaze as only blind men can.
He took my hand with gnarled grasp
And softly he began.

His tale was deeper than the seas he swam
Older than the mounts he crossed,
Darker than the world he lives,
And bleaker than the price of loss.

I cannot know how long I stood when his tale had reached its end
I did not see him walk away,
Nor even comprehend.

But once departed I still heard the final words he spoke,
They echoed faintly in my ears
Even as I woke.

When he left he whispered as his face remained serene:
"And now you see what I see
When I close my eyes and dream."

26 July 2010

End of a Season

"I'll be a story in your head, but that's OK. We're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one, eh? Cos it was, you know, it was the best. A daft old man who stole a magic box and ran away."

19 April 2010

Only Madmen Ask Why

[I wrote this paper earlier in the semester for my Advanced Composition Class. The quotes are from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.]

There is a ghost of madness in us all. Speaking negatively, Pirsig says, “a ghost which calls itself rationality… causes the most normal of everyday acts to seem slightly mad because of their irrelevance to anything else” (Pirsig 100). This statement is preceded by a hypothesis that when “you” (or what I call “we,” the collected “sane”) look at a madman, all you see is a reflection of your own knowledge that he is mad. Both of these assertions fall within a short section that repeatably discusses madness and insanity. However, the tone of the context not only indicates criticism of the ghost of rationality, but also extends disapproval to the result: madness. Following that, Pirsig leads to the conclusion of the section where he argues that in the ghost of rationality, “only madmen ask why” (101) we seek to live longer. However, I believe such conclusions undermine the enigmatic appeal of insanity and the contemporary generation’s experiences with insanity.

Our modern society has instigated a love affair with the idea of insanity—we were first introduced to the idea on a mass level with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and The Picture of Dorian Gary in the Victorian age. Then we were granted a more overt glimpse with the inmate Renfield in Dracula at the turn of the century, and since then people have been consistently fascinated with insane characters, especially in narratives. The novel One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest introduced a story told by an insane man, while the Hannibal Lecter stories established a kind of empathy with the cold, calculated insanity of a mad psychologist. Apocalypse Now mirrors its inspiration, Heart of Darkness, with the insanity of Kurtz in the jungle. Most recently the Joker in Dark Knight revealed a chaotic insanity that America now loves. There are, of course, other factors lending to the appeal of these characters, but that does not detract from the fascination with madness—a chaotic, unknown element.

One of Pirsig’s hypotheses was that when we look at madness all we see is our own knowledge that he is mad. However, Pirsig completely bypasses the possibility that because we see insanity, we are intrigued and so want to approach and understand. The madmen is the unknown, the Other, an entity disassociated from self with an entirely different set of experiences and therefore possesses a different form of knowledge. Since the madman knows what we do not, for us he becomes the wise man. He is not a Wiseman in the sense of Buddha or a guru who supposedly know the answers of life, but the madman knows one answer, and we want to know if that is the right answer. We want to know what drove the man mad, what keeps him mad, worry if it will happen to us, and wonder if underneath it all, he is the happier for his insanity. We look at him and wonder if madness could be what we have been looking for all along.

When looking at the madmen we already see beyond the insanity, and want to see still more, which is why people are fascinated with insane characters in movies. One of my favorite movie characters is Jeffrey from 12 Monkeys. The primary reason for this is because in his insane antics he provides me immense enjoyment. However, there is an element to his insanity beyond humor that he shares with Hannibal and the Joker: a state of release, or exemption. Jeffrey, who runs around causing havoc in the asylum and upsetting other inmates, is not bound by societal or linguistic rules, saying and acting however he wants, whenever he wants. For that he is placed in an asylum, but even there he has freedom. At one point he acquires the key for another character and later he is freed because of his father’s money, two acts which reveal that the walls of the asylum do not bind him, he merely allows them to temporarily. In a similar vein the Joker in Dark Knight is also not bound by Law, capitalism, or morality. He is almost an extension of Jeffrey, with similar mannerisms and disregard of anything that might restrict him. He allows himself to be captured then manages to easily escape from the jail, as if the enforcers of the law bore no power over him. At one point the Joker even comments, “the only sensible way to live in this world is without rules.” There is a freedom these two characters possess in their insanity that we as “sane” individuals cannot obtain—a freedom not in the absence of consequences, but in not allowing consequences to affect them.

This concept of freedom in madness is the facet of insanity that Pirisg undermines with his attitude toward madmen and his opinion of acts that are “slightly mad because of their irrelevance to anything else” (100). In the phrase “irrelevance to anything else” there is the very architect of freedom that makes Jeffrey and the Joker such captivating characters. In their madness they consider every constraint placed on them “irrelevant.” There are no ties, no boundaries on them, just like the every days acts have no connections to anything Other or outside because their slight madness. That is appealing to the twenty-first century man. America may possibly be the freest country in the world, but an American citizen is not as free as Jeffrey Goines or the Joker. The average citizen cannot have what he wants, when he wants it—he has to stop for stoplights, pay taxes, pay for insurance if he wants to drive, spend money instead of just taking everything, and so has to work to make money. He cannot steal, he cannot murder, he cannot disagree without being politically incorrect. Except, that is not entirely true—the American citizen can do or not do any of those things, he merely has to face the consequences for his actions.

That is why insanity is so appealing – we can do whatever we want without consequence: ultimate freedom. In that freedom, we envy the madman. In Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, however, Phaedrus sought the ghost of rationality and went mad from the journey. In the system of rationality Phaedrus was the “madman” who asked why we should want to live longer, and apparently went insane for questioning the established system and base assumptions. But perhaps Pirsig undermines insanity because he only understands part of insanity. Perhaps those we call mad, are not truly as mad as we believe. The basic assumption of madmen that I have argued is that they revolt against the accepted standard that enforces order, so we label them “mad,” but really, there are two types of madness. There are those who reach that point beyond the safe and comfortable “rules” and lose their mind, like Phaedrus, but then there are those who reach the end and embrace it, like the Joker. To the sane man, they are both insane because they have gone beyond into the abyss we cannot reach, but to themselves they’re just, as Joker said, “ahead of the curve.” In that case, “madness” becomes nothing more than an empty definition. In their movies, both Jeffrey and the Joker are called mad, an accusation that they both sincerely and adamantly deny. Just like consequences have no control on them, neither do our definitions. But this is also why Pirsig undermines the value of insanity—he only sees one consequence of insanity, only the madmen who ask why we want to live longer, he does not see the ones who ask, why not—the ones who the sane man envies.

Given the understanding of madmen, perhaps the ghost of rationality is correct in saying that “only madmen ask why,” (101) but what I hope Pirsig is covertly implying is that maybe madmen should not be the only ones to be asking that. Maybe before the end of the novel Pirsig will reveal an approach to insanity that is not negative. Though, given how he undermines the relevance of insanity in modern culture, I do not think I can hope that he will present a position that a touch of insanity in exploring the world can truly be an enlightening approach. If in madness there is a freedom absent in sanity, then sometimes madness can free us to truth outside our accepted paradigms.

22 January 2010

Nonsense Poem

Once in a while, if you find yourself in a hostile world
Just turn around once,
Then turn again twice
Until you've swirled and twirled and
You're not where you were just before

Then be on your way with a step and a sway
For there's the trick
To making a switch
When you're up on your toes or down on your nose
You're ready for whatever's in store

"But what does it matter" you say to the Hatter
"If things upside down
Were once turned around
Is anything real when peals of laughter appeal
To the heart of a story conceived by a Puck?"

But if that's what ensues, best beware of the blues
They come on quick
With a bag of tricks
So when you're stuck just throw on some words and scenes and aquamarines
And with a bang you'll hang from a hat brim of luck.

03 December 2009

Old, But Still the Same

I find it funny how I heard your voice
When I was the farthest away from you
A simple whisper
The breath of kings
But it echoed across time and space
To a memory
For a future I cannot forget

Yours was a simple word on the wind
Seemingly as lost as I
But you tracked me down
Through the sand and the storms
To the deserted desert town of my soul

This life of the real I cannot express
But you formed it from shadows
And to dust I return

So take my hand now
For tomorrow I'll ask for it

This week I may have forgotten
I may have set life aside for a rainy day
- how often that occurs -
But today the sun is shining
And this time the time doesn't matter

I've been through fires and earthquakes
You led me through the storm
The quiet moment came at last, then passed
Now I'm in the desert of the dream
The other has come to lead me away
So don't let go of my tired hand
I'm not like you
The temptations would lead me astray

23 November 2009

To Those Born to Triumph

Light fell to darkness
The shattered bonds a rain of crystals descended
Wrapping the shadows in a glowing despair
From depths the night ascended
To meet the traitor in the air

Hope fell to anguish
First of the shadows born from light rejected
Turned crimson shade as glowering dusk appears
Son of evil now perfected
The Maker weeps His bloody tears

Peace fell to anger
Dear child formed of hate to bear neglected
The torment of battered nations none redeem
In Sheol burn those infected
Pain to make this life a dream

Calm fell to chaos
Destruction birthed the breath of those intended
Now bereft of death 'midst bands of tattered fiends
Souls of those who once defended
Somewhere in the silence scream

28 October 2009

Double Dactyl

Rickety, nitpicky,
Double-dactylically
Lines are a pain but I'll
Give them a try.

Nonsense begins them,
Two stanzas, strict rhythm,
Easy, if I could just
End with a rhyme.

23 September 2009

Its All Greek to the West

[note: "dikē" is Greek and pronounced like the word "decay"]

"Titled"

Tear stains bleed away these glittered eyes
These forgotten faces brushed aside
(Identity genocide)
- grief besets us all -
Self divisions
Mind and nature
Sky and madness
Man and body
(oracle visions)
- FATES -
And none to rule them all

Dikē decay, Justice arrayed
And shivers, blinded in the formless cold,
The chaos void, where none can see
Away and fade
- These sutured seams -
The Shadow dances
And turns to face the killing light
(Formless)
No shape silhouetted
(Formless)
Shapeless nothing
For belief defines the anchor
- EXISTENCE -
(the question remains)

And fury transformed to Figures
Constructed idols of society's guise
The Kindly Ones lie
bent, beset, broken
- vows -
temple priestess, goddess, pray
Ritual schemes establish puppet brigade
(Dikē)
Nothing comes from Nothing
Dangerous games they play
- the gods -
Dematerialize materials never formed
Dust to dust
To chaos we return

Deconstructed structure
- the center cannot hold -
Aeschylus to Yeats?
Suffer into truth, dear child
Laws precede the gods
Paradoxical center
(illusion)
Labyrinth or maze,
No truth resides within
(delusions)
The Curses of a thousand tongues
Herald, Bacchus, revelry Lord

Lord chaos reign
(rioting)
dream intoxication loose on the world
spit on disintegration
- repeated crimes -
Father forgive
Father forgive
(survival)
Helios rise!
- desperate -
Baseless words hold no sway
ANARCHY

Language collapses
(discordia)
- unexist this lawlessness -
Reality


(cannot hold)

14 September 2009

California

From West and East you were the desire
Rush the golden palace to stake a claim
Where refugees gathered
For new life and new hopes,
The pursuit of happiness and land

You're the West to which the gateway led
The dream for which a generation bled.
From gold rush to a silver screen,
You're a fame-seekers wet dream -
An earthquake that moved the world

Going to California
With a wish on their breath
An aching in their hearts
And a desperate prayer
Seeking that promise of a fresh start you deny

You're everyone's dream, baby,
So why can't I care?

Now your skies are blue and your sun scorches
Over manufactured houses and manicured lawns.
Your plastic dolls lie on crowded beaches,
The stars you wish on slowly fall,
As we all play the game that shows the world
How useless we are.

Lines of exhaust fill the veins of the city,
Clogging the blood of us all,
Waiting for the heart attack that never comes
To this body without life

But I hate these acts,
The people who use you as an escape
Like cheap alcohol and whores,
When you're my prison
From which I seek escape but will always remain;
You're my abusive relationship I think I can save

But soon your skies will fill with smoke
- the billows I miss -
The red sunsets and lights of a thousand fires
I'll blow smoke rings in the fading glimmer
And I'll return to
The cold nights and starlit mountains

I'll return to the desert where this all began
To a struggle for life, not lies,
Dreams don't matter when you can barely survive.
Be a real desert for my heart,
The burning sun and scouring sand
Will scorch away my tears
And maybe I'll escape this desert of the real

31 July 2009

To Blog or not to blog

To blog or not to blog, that is the question:
Whether 'tis truer to existence of man
To sacrifice individuality for the sake of belonging,
Or to bear arms against a sea of cyberspace,
And by opposing, gain self? Defy to write,
Once more; or for to write to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand unnatural shocks
That technology imparts, 'tis an assumption
Devoutly to be sought. Defy to write;
To write: perchance to live: ay, there's the dream;
For in the written word what life may come
When we have recorded borrowed thoughts,
To give us pains: there's the regret
That makes calamity of so long reflection;
For who would choose the shadows on the wall,
The super flat world, the desert of the real,
Transcendental idealism, the mirror stage,
The simulacrum of truth and the signs
That sacrifice of the physical makes,
When he himself might his identity take
With a blank leaflet? Who would philosophies bear,
To grunt and sweat over weary lines,
But that the dread of something after self,
The undiscovered country from whose confines
No dreamer returns, puzzles the truth
And makes us rather bear those symbols we have
Than fly to Other that we know not of?
Thus self-consciousness makes cowards of us all;
And thus the native view of ontology
Is transfixed with the collapse of civilization,
And simulations of great existence
With this regard their individuality turns away,
And lose the words of action. - Soft you now!
The fragile Absolute! Noumenon, in thy script
Be all my being remembered.

Nothing but Voiceless Words - the Beginning

How strange a thing for written language - all we read are the ghost of thoughts. The graveyard of the mind. The only reality is past. By the time sunlight reaches us it is six minutes old. By the time I hear you speak, you've begun a new thought. By the time you read these words, years will pass.

With every moment the world is remade. Every moment the present. Every moment is a new beginning. With the smallest movement of a proton or neutron the universe is unmade and remade. Time is of use only in understanding past and future. We cannot comprehend time in the here and now.

We have memories. And to keep those memories as clear as possible (for with each moment they fade and change), we record them and hope. Hope when we read these words again we can reclaim a piece of self as we once were. Hope that when someone reads these words, maybe we can share a memory. And for a moment that passes as it happens, we can connect.

That is why I write. That somewhere in this mess of thoughts there's a moment of clarity. And maybe we won't be standing alone. You'll be with me, and words will be the bond that holds back the tide. More than just me. More than just you. Connected in the past, we shall touch again in the future.

Nothing but voiceless words. A pattern of curves and lines on a screen that somehow translate to an understanding of a human soul behind the lines, behind typing fingers, behind imageless eyes.

"Ah, but we die to each other daily.
What we know of other people
Is only our memory of the moments
During which we knew them. And they have changed since then.
To pretend that they and we are the same
Is a useful and convenient social convention
Which must sometimes be broken. We must also remember
That at every meeting we are meeting a stranger."
- Cocktail Party